double-take
During dinner, J mentioned a friend, s* was contemplating suicide. Her thin wrists are mutilated with vile-looking scars. J looked so grave that I joked halfheartedly that surely cuts made on the underside of the palm are rather feeble attempts at suicide. Later in the showers, I thought about s* and concluded that death is not a foolproof 'get it off my back' solution. What will happen to you after you've passed through the black veil to the passage no one knows? There's no orientation courses for the afterlife to prep or industry experts to speak to. I mean, death is leaving a mess behind for a greater mess beyond but this time, you're doing it alone. There's no family, friends, shrinks or anyone at all you can turn to. Well, maybe there are but we won't know for sure, would we? Everything has a begining and an end. I don't believe that people or animals and bugs for that matter, fizzle into nothingness when they move on. Hence, a person still has to account for his or her actions unlike the free & easy solution suicide suggested. Furthermore, ending your life for a split moment's of setback is a poor way of repaying your parents, friends and everyone who have loved you.
I know i'm in no position to judge s* but i hope that the greater powers will bless her and save her soul.
Today is one of the days where everything goes wrong from the moment you rolled off from the wrong side of bed. It's a miracle I managed to toddle back at all. Oh man.
Hope tomorrow will be kinder.
Blogger Relaunch
Hello world.
First lesson: Learning to create destiny
I'm much happier than I ever had in the past two weeks.
Do you believe in changing your destiny? I'm learning how.
Arsenal crushed Middlesbrough by 7-0. Henry was King of the day with a hat trick under his belt and not to mention a delightful repertoire of sublime free-kicks. Since the begining of this season, no one not even Chelsea had delivered so many goals in a single match. Arsenal played so hard to please their fans last night. Lehmann made two fantastic saves while chewing gum. The camera man caught him winking to his team-mates saying something vaguely like, "Piece of cake." Lol. It was indeed a piece of cake.
Sol Campbell was sidelined with injury but not to worry, Ashley Cole is back! And the ineffective, clumsy, jellyfeet Pascal Cygan is either injured or sitting on the bench. Of which in any case is good news for us fans!
I wished Patrick Viera can be a gunner again. Neither HLeb nor Flamini has the calibre or speed to be justified as an equal to Viera in the midfield. Btw HLeb sucks.
Just because.
On a particular Friday afternoon which began as 'one of those days', I decided to spend a few minutes of borrowed privacy in a public toilet cubicle. The crazy ideas my mind can conjure just go beyond my understanding. Since the toilet was in a mild, pleasant condition, it wasn't altogether a very difficult twenty minutes to kill except between the time I latched the door shut and washed my hands with a pungent antiseptic handwash, I felt bitter. Very bitter.
Sitting on the toilet seat and staring into the nothingness, taking in brief snatches of gossips and gripes and understanding none, I contemplated my future, my present.
Sadly, there wasn't much to think about.
From the moment of my birth, life is a struggle. After twenty-one years of struggle, what is it all for?
For a better, happier future?
If the present is any measure of my future, I can't find a glimpse of happiness in the shroud surrounding my small sphere.
The Lunar New Year is coming in three weeks' time. But I can't find a reason or even brace a heartfelt laughter to celebrate it.
In the silence of long nights and numbness of sleep, I find refuge.
Amidst the chaos of the day, the silence of the night is a scarce luxury and comforting warmth. Away from the scrutiny of watchful eyes, my mind roams free and wild. It's these fantansies that keep me sane and suitably civilised for urban life. However, even the fantansies are fading away from my grasp. Like the fabric of a little life I've woven, my fictitious world is coming apart.
I don't believe in miracles, no more.
Dreams? These are only mind tricks for children.
There is only one reality in this world.
And I hate every moment of it.
Looking for a life saver
People like to talk about feel-good stories where lucky souls are saved. From an abused relationship, a shattered family, a bruised history, a slave-driving boss, a starved and malnourished life, a house with a leaking roof, manipulative friends, a broken-down car on the highway. Sayuri was saved by the man of her childhood infatuations, the Chairman. Corrinne May was saved by her husband, I figure.
Me? I'm trapped in my own ghost memories.
I wish to be saved too.
Save Me by Corrinne May
I drift I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like putty in your hands
I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a rollercoaster ride
You see me through and through
You see just who I am
Just take my hand and
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
I had a dream that I
Was falling from the sky
At 90 miles an hour
I was bound to crash and die
But out of nowhere you came and rescued me
There must be some grace in the touch of your face
I'm so happy that I've found you
I'm no longer afraid
Oh 'cause you
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting
Before I met you
Life was slow-mo
So slow-mo
I thought I had it figured out
But you came and turned my whole world upside down
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows you've come to
Save me from this place
Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace
Heaven knows
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you
Waiting for you
School!
Another 13 more hrs and it'll be Christopher's first day at primary school! Can't wait to troop down to dear old Marsiling with Christopher :)
I can almost imagine the clusters of anxious parents giving last minute reminders to their children who at the moment are listening out for other little voices in the canteen and making mental notes to check out the field for spiders during recess. Of course, there would be even more anxious parents hushing little kids who are overwhelmed rather than awed by the unfamiliarity of a new school.
After some 13 years, I'm back again to the begining of my learning journey except I'm reliving my past through the eyes of my brother. There's some element of nostalgia certainly and an awful lot of mad rushing between lectures and picking Christopher up from school. It's certainly going to be a crazy week. But I'm glad to share in the excitement and anticipation and be part of this significant event in my brother's life.
