Monday Muffins
Happiness is an ordinary ability that eludes me. For a devastating rental rate, I purchased a few weeks' worth of fluffy air castles mapped from fantastical Korean drama. Crisp banknotes buy me shortlived happiness from clothes, bags, shoes & accessories. It butters up my vain ego and assuages my guilt from parting with my dollars. If ego inflation is positively correlated with inner fulfilment, I'd be the happiest man on earth. Sadly, a soaring ego index only magnifies the emptiness in the smallest of everyday happenings. I was ensnared by an age-old trap laid for the careless traveller. Selfishness, cowardice and proscrastination clung steadfast to my entire being, draining my energy like leeches savouring fresh blood.
We come to earth with no memories and material possessions. As we stumble along the windy path called life, we fill up our invisible sack with pieces of recollections for the uncertain future like a farmer keeps dried bread for winter. Quoting from a friend, I've overloaded my emotional baggage and crippled myself. So what now?
I clip new wings onto my back and learn to fly. A seagull who never thought beyond fighting for the occasional bread crumbs thrown by the children or inexperienced fish swimming near the water surface, is contented to live among his raucous compatriots. A seagull doesn't know the infinite capacity of flight. The primitive function of feathered wings has been forgotten through the generations. The first seagull might have soared like an eagle to any destination his heart desired.
Overcoming physical constraints to realise the infinity of one's intangible constraints is akin to questioning a drug addict's willpower to quit drugs. I'm making regular donations to my willpower bank. This aerospace project is a costly long term investment that suppresses an investor's risk appetite and raise the riskiness of the asset. Volatily in the macro environment imposes external factors beyond our control. Tomorrow is unknown to me. With limited discretionary income to absorb potential losses, suppose I didn't succeed in flying, the reality of immobility will kill me. I'm naturally more risk averse and hence, demand higher risk premium.
I'm putting high stakes on this hand. Disregarding the absolute comparison of input-output ratio, I'm happy with the returns. They satisfy my cravings for human interaction and communication. I'm smiling more and perversely thrilled by the dull ache from stretching my stiff, underused facial muscles. Joel described this form of happiness aptly as "smiling in my heart".
Every smile fills up my happiness deficit. I'm very grateful for every exchange of friendly gesture and smile. There're some stubborn knots I haven't figure out but I'm not demoralised. After all, I'm highly motivated now :)
After feeding my imagination with cheap entertainment, I renew my intimate bonds with Asian literature. I read this sentence after a dinner of meaningful emotional exchange:
"I passed through her life, but it was a one-way trip." (The Girl who Played Go by Shan Sa)Maybe it was the coincidence of residual memories from a dinner rich in Japanese flavour and the heart-wrenching reflection from a young Japanese officer stationed in Manchuria in the 1920s. Or perhaps it's the uncanny reality that Shan Sa gives to the Japanese quest. That sentence just sticks itself to the ends of my nerves.
According to a Japanese legend, Japan lies on the back of a giant catfish. Every flick and turn the catfish makes in the ocean creates earthquakes. The Emperor fueled the paternity in his soldiers with this simple yet powerful reason: Only China with its large and stable land can secure a safe future for our children. The insatiable greed of one man lent illegitimate power into the greatest pillage of Asian civilisation.
The names of the Chinese girl and the Japanese officer were veiled but the intensity of war and fierce willpower of the lifeless people buried under the glory of a greater war are compounded throughout the book. Another poignant quote:
"Life is a castle of lies slowly dismantled by the passage of time." (from the Chinese girl)How many of us can dispute with that?
posted by Michelle at
2:42 PM
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