Just because.
On a particular Friday afternoon which began as 'one of those days', I decided to spend a few minutes of borrowed privacy in a public toilet cubicle. The crazy ideas my mind can conjure just go beyond my understanding. Since the toilet was in a mild, pleasant condition, it wasn't altogether a very difficult twenty minutes to kill except between the time I latched the door shut and washed my hands with a pungent antiseptic handwash, I felt bitter. Very bitter.
Sitting on the toilet seat and staring into the nothingness, taking in brief snatches of gossips and gripes and understanding none, I contemplated my future, my present.
Sadly, there wasn't much to think about.
From the moment of my birth, life is a struggle. After twenty-one years of struggle, what is it all for?
For a better, happier future?
If the present is any measure of my future, I can't find a glimpse of happiness in the shroud surrounding my small sphere.
The Lunar New Year is coming in three weeks' time. But I can't find a reason or even brace a heartfelt laughter to celebrate it.
In the silence of long nights and numbness of sleep, I find refuge.
Amidst the chaos of the day, the silence of the night is a scarce luxury and comforting warmth. Away from the scrutiny of watchful eyes, my mind roams free and wild. It's these fantansies that keep me sane and suitably civilised for urban life. However, even the fantansies are fading away from my grasp. Like the fabric of a little life I've woven, my fictitious world is coming apart.
I don't believe in miracles, no more.
Dreams? These are only mind tricks for children.
There is only one reality in this world.
And I hate every moment of it.
posted by Michelle at
8:28 PM
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